The Secret of the Easy Yoke

Sometimes (or all the time) being a Christ-follower is difficult. I love how this song acknowledges the reality of Christian living. Honestly, this song is what broke standard contemporary Christian music for me. The brutal honesty means so much more to me (and seems so much more worshipful even) than much of the empty phrases we are known to sing in church. Even in the brokenness of living in a sinful world, and the frustration of trying to live for God, God still provides him peace. It's so beautiful and necessary that it has brought me to tears.





i could hear the church bells ringing
they pealed aloud your praise
the member's faces were smiling
with their hands outstretched to shake
it's true they did not move me
my heart was hard and tired
their perfect fire annoyed me
i could not find you anywhere
could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all

the devoted were selling bracelets
to remind them why they came
some concrete motivation
when the abstract could not do the same
but if all that's left is duty, i'm falling on my sword
at least then, i would not serve an unseen distant lord

could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you, and somedays
i don't love you at all






if this only a test
i hope that i'm passing, cuz i'm losing steam
but i still want to trust you

peace be still (x3)

This Teacher is Buffering.

Our bodies are temporal, and even our minds, but they are what we have, and they are a gift. As a gift, we should treat them with respect. Being a teacher, on the other hand, is a calling that doesn't.... jive with that notion. It's draining on mind, body, spirit, and emotion. It's a joy and a blessing, but it's also a high burnout position, especially in recent years.

Here is one reason I saw today. You are never, ever good enough. Never. Ever. You can be an amazing teacher that excels in many areas of this profession of many talents, but you won't receive a lot of validation for that. What you can expect, however, is to have growth demanded of you constantly. Even though the administration and coaches are on your side and have the same goal as you (making learning better for the kids), it has a nasty side-effect. It makes many teachers feel not good enough. For me and many others, this just doubles up with the self-doubt we already have from our own push towards being better.

I am finding that professions as strenuous need buffer. Buffer is every way. Teachers need to make room for some buffer sleep, for some buffer exercise, for some buffer time to maintain friendships and hobbies an whatever else. We need buffer to maintain our sanity, our emotional health, our physical wellbeing, and our spiritual strength.

 

The Wicked, Lazy Servant II: Return of the Foolishness

During church on Sunday, I had some realizations about humility. In my last posting, I discussed how I was taking humility too far by not acknowledging my gifts. Now I am realizing that many times I have no humility towards God at all.

I'm not trusting him. I'm trying to do it all my self. I want to make plans to do this and that with my life, but I'm trying to go it alone. I fail on my own, and when I don't, I eat myself up to succeed. Why must I try to forge my own destiny. God already knows what it is, and it is in His hands. But only if I let it be.

Why worry about my journey on my own, when letting God handle it is the path to peace?

Because it is much easier said than done.

The Wicked, Lazy Servant.

The other day, my best friend said, "You know, you aren't being humble when you aren't acknowledging your talents."

I have always thought of myself as a fairly humble person, but I am learning that this is something that I could use a study in too. There are times when I forget my humility (just like everyone). (Sometimes I feel like I need someone to just shout at me when I think I know what's best.) However, my problem seems to be primarily that I over-humble myself.

Can you be too humble? I am learning that the truth is that you really can. What my friend said was really an eye opener. I have a tendency to let fear or doubt overcome me and I deny my own talents. This ends up hurting me more than others as pride does, but it is still a problem.

But why is this a problem? What are our talents? What are our skills? Where does our knowledge and wisdom come from? It's all gifts from God. Denying ourselves the use of any of these because of fears and doubts is.... drumroll.... sin! To use these properly is to worship God. To abuse them for our own glory is pride. But to sequester them? We don't see that as so wrong, but what does God say about it?


From Matthew 25:
24 “Then the man who had received one bag of gold came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. 25 So I was afraid and went out and hid your gold in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.’
26 “His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? 27 Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.

So there I am. The wicked, lazy servant. Everyday, I let my fears and doubts hold me back from exploiting my true potential. I feel like this has been especially true in the last few months. I've been getting by, and doing the minimum, because if I try and do more, I might fail! And I know that I will not be able to catch myself if I fall.

OH ME OF LITTLE FAITH! Of COURSE God will be there to catch me. Now all I have to do is figure out HOW I am going to use my talents, and how to start taking some risks. Playing it safe is getting me nowhere. God has given me so many gifts. Now, to take the next step forward.

Giving Thanks

To most of the world, my life must seem pretty plush. But to me right now, there is plenty to stress about and not to be happy about. However, today is a day of thanks. Here is what I am taking time to be thankful about.

• My family, for being so so so consistent, serving great food, making great conversation, and being so  fun.
• For Amy, more recently for accompanying me down to the Pass and putting up with my crazy family, but more importantly for her unconditional love and support!
• For my friends, whether connected or estranged, you all mean so much to me, and have greatly shaped the young man I am today.
• For my school, for carrying me through these last four years, and helping me create such a great foundation for becoming an educator.
• For the schools, for allowing me and my colleagues to begin our careers, and put our philosophies into action.
• For my country, which is full of flaws but has one of the most usable systems to correct them, and which guarantees so many freedoms.
• For Toni, for getting my mind going again, and inspiring me to start a journey of understanding and self-betterment.
• For my dogs, who give me nothing but comfort.
• For my colleagues who inspire me everyday.
• For God, for everything.
• And so much more. Those are the things on my mind right now.

What are you thankful for?

Variations on a theme.

     It's all been done before. I often feel like I'm going through a lot of things alone. Or feel like my story is original. Come on. Life's complicated, the details are always a little bit different. But everything is just a variation on a theme.

     Today, I had one of the best conversations I've had in a long time. A very long time. The more I shared, and the more she shared, and the more I remembered of sharing with others, the more it came back to me that there is really nothing that original about my story. Each piece of my story has happened a thousand times.

     That's not lame. That's great news. Excellent news. It means we have support. We have shared resources and shared wisdom. And if we are at the same part of our story, well then, we have a terrific opportunity to work through this story together. 

Coffee

I've been invited to coffee with various people in my life on four occasions. If find this to be a pathetic statistic, but at the same time, they have all been important and reaffirming. I am hoping #5 will be as good.

There is something about a conversation over coffee that warms the soul. It's the hot fluid and the side effects of caffeine. Eh, perhaps the company too .

 بيك. بي ستيل.

John Wayne Gacy, Jr, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Embrace the Sobering Truth

I listen to this song when I feel wrong. When I was getting tired of the craziness Juniors Abroad last May, I lay on my Paris hotel room bed, listened to this song and cried for the world. It's a sobering truth in the light of our relationship with God. We all fail. And it's all just as bad. We all are disgusting sinners.   I'll give myself a minute to wallow in it, pick myself up, and then go ahead and try to figure out what am I going to do about it?

His father was a drinker
And his mother cried in bed
Folding John Wayne's t-shirts
When the swingset hit his head

The neighbors they adored him
For his humor and his conversation
Look underneath the house there
Find the few living things, rotting fast, in their sleep

Oh, the dead
Twenty-seven people
Even more, they were boys
With their cars, summer jobs

Oh my God
Are you one of them?

He dressed up like a clown for them
With his face paint white and red
And on his best behavior
In a dark room on the bed

He kissed them all
He'd kill ten thousand people
With a sleight of his hand
Running far, running fast to the dead

He took off all their clothes for them
He put a cloth on their lips
Quiet hands, quiet kiss on the mouth

And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floor boards
For the secrets I have hid.

Malleable

My life's been stuck for too long. Now it's beginning to change. But I'm not feeling very malleable. Now how am I going to stretch?

It's just one of those days.

It's all poetry, isn't it?

So then poetry isn't so hard.

A Point of Joy

What? I already post too much? Fine, enjoy a song. It brings me joy.

Artist: Sufjan Stevens
Song: "Come On! Feel the Illinoise!" (Part I: The World's Columbian Exposition – Part II: Carl Sandburg Visits Me in a Dream)
Album: Sufjan Stevens Invites You To: Come On Feel the Illinoise!

My peace tonight

Your Love Never Fails- Jesus Culture

Nothing can separate, even if I ran away because Your love never fails. I know I still make mistakes, but You have new mercies for me everyday and Your love never fails. The wind is strong and the water's deep but I'm not alone in these open seas because Your love never fails. The chasm is far too wide and I never thought I'd reach the other side but Your love never fails.

You stay the same through the ages and Your love never changes. There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning. And when the oceans rage, I don't have to be afraid because I know that You love me andYour love never fails.

You stood before creation with eternity within Your hand. You spoke the earth into motion and my soul had to stand. You stood before my failure, and carried the Cross for my shame. My sin weighed upon Your shoulders and my soul had to stand. So I'll walk upon salvation with Your Spirit alive in me. This life will declare Your promise because what can I say and what can I do but offer this heart, O God, completely to You.

So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the One who gave it all. I'll stand with my soul Lord to You surrendered. All I am is yours.

The potential of fulfilling this claim is, for once, a point of peace.

(adapted from Your Love Never Fails, Jesus Culture, and The Stand, Hillsong.

Communicating in Love

In the past three days, I have counted at least 30 full-fledged ideas to blog. I'm starting. It's happening. Let's  go.

First order of business...... I'm going to break the fourth wall before I even build it. Be aware that you are involved here. I'm painting a picture of myself, but you are really here while I'm paining it. Be as involved as you like.

Friends. I don't know how to make them. It just happens when I'm lucky. Let me back up here. I analyze too much stuff. I spend a lot of time in my head. The way I comprehend my life is by organizing my thoughts into categories, theories, and metaphors. If you are not a fan of these things, being in my head may not be for you. However, I find them to be useful tools to analyze my life, despite the fact that I just don't understand it.

I have a theory about conversation that I either borrowed from a youth pastor or possibly from my father (or possibly from myself in a synthesis of ideas that meshed together over time). It goes like this: There are three levels of conversation that you can share with another human being. I will describe them to you in ski terms, because it totally makes sense to use them since I've never been skiing.

Green Circle - Aquaintanceship:
This is the most basic level that we communicate with known entities. We are sometimes genuine, but often quite fake. We exchange pleasantries, and talk about things like food, sports, weather, sports weather, etc. We do this with pretty much everyone we bump into, and when it lasts for long with someone you don't have a real connection to, you start to feel uncomfortable. The most social grace you have, the longer you can last. I am short on social grace. I don't last long.

I hate this type of conversation past its use in meeting or greeting someone. I hate being fake, and I'm bad at it. I'm either very withdrawn, or I put on an old immature mask and become goofy and obnoxious. This works for some, but not for many, and often not for the people I would like it to work for.

Blue Square - Friendship:
This level of conversation is reserved for your personal elite. This is how you talk to your good friends. It's easy, natural, and a little more intimate. Laughter will be real, and most people won't get your jokes. Social grace is important here. The more you have, the more people will be willing to engage you on this level. They also must LIKE you.

I find myself greatly estranged from the members of this rank, and I don't find a large number of people here. People tend to be very exclusive about who they engage on this level at Fox. It's very cliquey here. People find some friends at keep everyone else at a distance. On the bright side, its really hard for people to leave this level. People are like bikes. Once you learn how to talk to someone, you never really forget, unless they change in a major way. I wish I could find and keep more people at this level. It's has been my heart's desire for years, whether I've known it the whole time or not. I'm just not very good at it.

Black Diamond - Intimacy:

This is the pinnacle of existence for someone as service-oriented and interpersonal as me. Intimacy is the most dangerous and rewarding form of conversation. It's dangerous in many ways. We aren't used to it. It's very emotional and cerebral. It's raw. It can and will change you, others, and the relationship between the involved parties. It can make or break the truest relationships. It is where the deepest friendships are formed, as well as any healthy romantic relationship. (That in mind, its also extremely dangerous with the opposite gender as rushes of emotions and chemicals can blind judgement in the moment, and that judgement can last for hours, to weeks, to lifetimes.)

It requires the most out of any human. It requires the constant vigilance of guarding your heart and mind while being completely open with someone. It is true honesty, based on complete trust. It is, in my opinion, one of the most honest expressions of love. It is conversation in the way God may have intended it, and is therefore at the highest risk of being damaged by sin. The more you have this, the more sin will tempt you.

(Tangent:

This is also a place that is a No Man's Land for fake people. You know them. They are everywhere. They always act. They are never real. They put on a mask for everyone, and have some reason to be too insecure to truly connect with someone. These people are often the most frustrating for people who embrace reality, but they should be the people that you feel the most sorry for. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be THAT lonely. So lonely that you might not even consciously acknowledge it.)

I, as a person who CRAVES reality and honesty, find this to be the most rewarding experience. I love to be able to engage (carefully) with people on this level. It is the most thrilling and rewarding aspect of life to me, and my favorite form of service. Real authentic discussion. While I may struggle with the other forms of communication, that is mostly because authenticity is all in, or all out for me. I am in my element here. This is why this blog will aim at total honesty. And following this is why it will fail.

As fallible beings, this level of communication just cannot be maintained. It's exhausting. It's life-changing. It's full of dangers and temptations. You run the risk of greatly hurting someone and pushing them away, or, sometimes scarier, forming a deep bond with someone. It wears you out with mental fatigue and the exhaustion of an emotional roller coaster. It's Actual, it's just that. A roller coaster. It's exhilarating while it lasts, but you have to stop and pant and process the experience later. It will create a strong memory, and you only have room for so many of those.

Why do I share this? I've been living in the land of acquaintanceship for too long. I've been busy, stressed, and living in the shadow of tragic life events. I crave friendship and intimacy. I have just lost the way to returning to that point with so many people. I have not been able to repair the burnt bridges whether I burnt them or not. I don't remember how to form new ones with new people. I don't know how to learn. I feel like this will be important to my piece.

Sorry for dragging you into my black diamond zone, if you did not desire to be there. However, this was immensely cathartic.

So. Does this make any sense, or am I a stark raving lunatic?


Edit: I put this post into a summarizing engine, to see what it would do. This is the result:
It goes like this: There are three levels of conversation that you can share with another human being.

We do this with pretty much everyone we bump into, and when it lasts for long with someone you don't have a real connection to, you start to feel uncomfortable.

This works for some, but not for many, and often not for the people I would like it to work for.

This level of conversation is reserved for your personal elite.

Laughter will be real, and most people won't get your jokes.

The more you have, the more people will be willing to engage you on this level.

I find myself greatly estranged from the members of this rank, and I don't find a large number of people here.

People tend to be very exclusive about who they engage on this level at Fox.

People find some friends at keep everyone else at a distance.

On the bright side, its really hard for people to leave this level.

People are like bikes. (This one made me lol)

Once you learn how to talk to someone, you never really forget, unless they change in a major way.

I wish I could find and keep more people at this level.

Intimacy is the most dangerous and rewarding form of conversation.

This is also a place that is a No Man's Land for fake people.

These people are often the most frustrating for people who embrace reality, but they should be the people that you feel the most sorry for.

I love to be able to engage (carefully) with people on this level.

You run the risk of greatly hurting someone and pushing them away, or, sometimes scarier, forming a deep bond with someone.

I have just lost the way to returning to that point with so many people.

I don't remember how to form new ones with new people.






So there that is. I realize this post is a little sad, but its very important. Today I had some really good intimate conversation, sort of out of the blue, so there you go.

Preportraiture: Release

The culmination of tension is release. Today was a good day. The Lord is good, and His mercy endures.

Preportraiture: Tension

Who is in a self-portrait? The painter. But who does the painter see themselves as? This painter sees himself often as a reflection of the influence of others around him. Therefore, my portraiture will often be about how I relate to others.

Today is a lonely day, full of tension. What keeps me going is that tension is temporary, but love is constant. Even if it's a little melancholy.

Video is Adele covering The Cure's "Lovesong" on Letterman. (Apologies for Letterman.)

Preportraiture: Sleep

Either sleep is fickle, or I am. The best part of sleep is the comfort. It's got warmth, security, and freedom from the stresses of life. Why then, do I never do it when I can. I was exhausted hours and hours ago.

It's 2:49am. I'm pooped. I'm still not going to sleep. I don't know why, but I'd rather do just about anything else than to what I need to get rest. I make no sense to me.

The Portraiture Dichotomy: My Observations on the Daily Self-Portrait.

Portraits are transient. Consumable. Just a glimpse, a fragment, a perceived paradigm.

Portraits are solid. Permanent. A piece of someone, representative of a complex and beautiful whole.

For painter and viewer, author and reader alike, they can be quick and dirty, or can take a lifetime to even attempt comprehension.

They make everyone a student and a teacher.

They are both simple and complex, full of meaning and meaningless.

They represent the whole, and the whole represents them.

They are real, authentic, purposed. They are fake, flimsy, and dilute.

They are an attempt. An ultimate success. An ultimate failure.

They are an opening from one to another, bit they close doors as well.

In all of this, they are a process. A beginning, a means, a problem, a solution, an end, and a beginning.


I feel smart, yet the portrait has always made me feel dumb. For months, Toni has done what I could not comprehend, yet here I stand, determined to find them, and let them find me.

Ready... set....

Impatient

The paces I put my mind through.

I have put my mind through the ringer. It's been bathed in adrenaline for months, as I've lived through waves of constant stress. The kind of constant stress from the real or unreal threat that your life may be over before it begins. The kind of constant stress from not knowing. Not knowing the future, the present, or even the past. Disequilibrium and drowning. The kind of stress that builds on itself as the façade of keeping things together falls apart as you run your life without buffer.

This stress is beginning to be relieved. I'm not out of the water yet, but I can see the twinkle of the sunlight as it dances across the surface.

Sometimes I swear my conscious and unconscious minds have never met. Consciously, I am still drowning, but my unconscious mind has found that glimmer of light (read: hope) and has run with it. All the creativity, expression, and introspection has begun flooding back.

Recently, I have suddenly found myself back at the piano, and the creativity is beginning to seem back out my fingers and back into my ears. My words have stopped irritating me as my eloquence of thought and voice has begun to return. My unconscious mind has already surfaced, and my decision yesterday burst open the floodgates.

I have a million and three ideas for these pages. No, make that a million and... no wait..... Ugh. I can't wait. I'll probably throw them all away for whatever I'm thinking about at the time, but its exciting, even to my stubborn, pessimistic, conscious self.

Welcome, self. Welcome to a new season of life. May it be full of God, blessings, healing, rebuilding, and progress. And most of all, some peace. 

I can't wait.

Why I'm seeking peace.

For nearly a year, I have been greatly intrigued, and very impressed with the blog of a young woman I hardly know. In that time, I have come to truly admire her honesty despite only having a few short conversations with her. Her blog, A Study In Honest is less than a month away from it's birthday. This blog, which will officially begin on that day, is a spiritual successor of her journey, as I have decided this is a pilgrimage that I would like to embark on as well.

As she said from the beginning:

This isn't a diary. It's not necessarily to document the events of my life, but to document an impression of where I've been and who I am. Not a history but hopefully a painting, an idea, a feeling, of me. It's to teach myself how to be honest and observe who I am.

This is much the same.

I am here to teach myself how to be honest and observe who I am, who I am becoming, and how this young man may find some peace in the craziness of this world.

Until Dec. 12, I will be making an honest effort to read through the entirety of the blog I am succeeding. Through the joy and the tears, from what resonates within me to what shakes me up. Lesson #1: Watching others in their honesty teaches you how to begin being honest yourself. Honesty to oneself is hard to come by, so embrace it wherever you can find it.

Dec. 12 will be Day 1 for me. Whether I truly succeed my predecessor, or walk alongside her, this will be an interesting journey.